Mind Motivation [1]

I'm not sure where to begin because my mind is all over the place. It's difficult feeling your feelings. I'm having so much less junk food and there is nothing to regulate my mood. I would celebrate with food, eat food when I'm sad and gorge when I'm angry. The third week has always been my hardest time as I have been trying for the last year to get back on a healthy path. For some reason I always gain on the third week or just feel hungry.

My PT has recommended that I don't weigh myself until the third month which is hard. I have to know what I am because I feel it defines me. I have been attending a slimming club for the past two years, I know, right? I won't mention which but I just felt something was missing. I managed to lose two stone the first year but slowly began to regain it all over the next. My leader was compassionate and understanding but I felt I needed to rely on guilt to motivate me and even that had gone away.

So here's the problem I have. I feel I look fatter after three weeks of healthy eating and exercise. I've googled this and it could be the following. Water retention, finally realising I look a certain way- so the way I see myself, bulking up with muscle or that I have gained and it's disheartening.

Retrain 

So how can you begin retraining the way your body reacts to food? I feel like this is something that needs research and I definitely want to ask a nutritionist. For me to begin with I just managed to cut junk food out simply using motivation. I have my PT's business card in my purse and I would look at that before spending money on junk. So for me that meant no crisps, sweets or chocolate just so my tongue could be retrained and I could have better taste. The idea was not to be restrictive so if I "slipped up" I wouldn't punish myself in my mind. This always leads to giving up in the end.

I also had to look at my daily timetable as it's very messed up due to the way I work. I go a long time in the evening without food and this causes me to think, while I'm working, about what I can binge on. So that's the first two weeks and now I want to tackle my portions as I eat way too much.

What about my thinking though? I'll write down my motivations below so I can return to them when disheartened like now.

- To be a certain dress size that I won't mention yet. (I'm sick of my clothes not fitting right)
-To be healthier (this should be first but I won't lie that it isn't what keeps me motivated the most- sorry)
-To be stronger
-To look like the person I feel on the inside

I feel like I should have more motivation than this and maybe that is the problem. However, I do actually feel fitter and doing my work is a breeze.